An Awakening

Let me share something with you:  A quarter pound worth of chocolate Easter cross after 10pm + An episode of 20/20 about a creepy, murderous kidnapper = THE worst nightmare of my life.   Couple that with the fact that I am rolling through my 8th month of pregnancy (when dreams are at their most vivid) and it is a complete disaster.

I know better...but I like to have a snack before bed...we ate a late dinner, so I HAD to wait until around 10:30pm to eat it. Besides, Jim had nodded off on the couch and I was bored.  

I thought maybe the chocolate would keep me up, but I didn't have any trouble falling to sleep. Since I started Flying at Flylady.com, my days have been full and productive and I have definitely been tired by the time bed time rolls around.

The dream started off innocently enough with me heading off to a late night appointment at the hairdresser (My Aunt)...For some reason her salon was more like a doctor's office than a salon, but I thought nothing of it as I was asked by the receptionist to give a urine specimen. She handed me a small cup and off I trotted to the bathroom and when I was heading back I was walking through a semi crowded Mall Court.  I was trying to hurry with my eyes glued to my capless specimen so that it wouldn't spill. All of a sudden Jordan and Ava were trailing behind me.  I got that "mommy feeling of dread" as I was trying to prod the girls to move in front of me so I could see them, wishing like hell that I had eyes in the back of my head, or at least that I could dump the stupid pee cup that I was balancing.  To top it off I had to stop at the ATM machine!  I could hear the girls gabbing and fighting behind me as I made my necessary transaction trying to speed things up. Just as I finished up there, I turned around and the girls had vanished! Panic set in as I scoured the mall court. I began shouting for the girls hoping that they were only hiding somewhere, playing some kind of game with me.  But they never reappeared. Frantic, I rushed back to the salon where my Dad and Aunt were waiting for me. I hurriedly told them that the girls were missing. A search began. I remember viewing a video of my MAC transaction that had been taken. The grainy black and white surveillance showed my annoyed face, pinched sourly as I punched buttons on the machine.  The girls dresses flitted in the background but you couldn't see their faces. One minute they were there and the next they were gone.  I visualized some creeper luring them away. 

No one told me that they were gone for good, but I knew.  At the end of the dream, Jim was with me, driving me home in a convertible. I could tell he was super angry with me.  I felt SOOOO guilty. In my dream, as we drove through the city with the top down, I began to wail and scream and cry out my guilt.  Asking WHY? Screaming for God to intervene. For my babies to come back.  It all felt very futile and very real.

At 4:20am, I awoke.  My chest was heaving.  I was having what felt like a panic attack (although I've never had one of those before). Jim jostled awake, "What's the matter?" "I had a...horrible dream." "The baby is fine. You said she was moving so much yesterday," He consoled. "It wasn't the baby; it was the girls, Jordan and Ava."  I started to sob...a less loud and dramatic version of what I had awakened from. "What happened??" "Some creeper took our girls away from me. I wasn't watching. One minute they were there and the next they were gone." Jim's arms were around me, but it didn't matter. I still felt the guilt burning a pit in my stomach. My throat felt like a stone was lodged in it. "It was only a dream. Thank God it was only a dream." I muttered. But it didn't feel like a dream. I physically felt like I no longer had my girls, I no longer knew where they were and I felt like I wouldn't be getting them back.  I had to keep telling myself that it was a dream, focusing to slow my breathing, wiping away the tears that were stinging my eyes.  I leapt from the bed and into the girls' room. They were peacefully sleeping, safely, soundly. I touched them both to make sure they were real.

Back in bed, I couldn't, did not want to, go back to sleep. Jim suggested, "Go get on your blog. Read your book" He held me until his breathing became slow and even again.  I picked up my book and was thankful to have the diversion.  By 6:00am I felt better. The book took my mind off of everything.  I eventually fell back into a dreamless sleep.

Later that morning, Ava came into the bedroom, excited to see her dad (and me) and happy to get the day started.  Jordan followed behind a little later. I lay with them both snuggled at my side, holding them, kissing their hair, telling them each that I love them, thanking God that I have them, and praying for the strength and guidance to lead them through this jungle we live in.  Asking for His protection.

Olivia slept in this morning, but she got her hugs and kisses too. 

Even though I know it was a dream I could feel the pain, and the guilt, that loosing them would cause.  Mom's need eyes all around and I keep thinking to myself:  How many times have I taken my eyes off of them for a second or been so consumed with something else (that isn't important) and didn't even know where they were?  I think I sometimes take their safety for granted.  But of course, with anything, there has to be a balance. The problem is, where do you strike the balance between safety and over protective sheltering?